Struggling

i'm struggling to regain peace in my life.

i woke up this morning, almost late for work, cause i was too tired.
i'm always tired these days.
the appearance of an almost-adult but the workings of a wrinkled soul.

i read the text you sent me,
and it ruined my day.
i felt the urge to cry, but i didn't anyway.

in the car, my mum noticed my "kinda" red eyes, and as usual, as any mum would do,
asked if i was being bullied by someone,
of course i had to say no.
how can i tell her that the person hurting me was the same person she thought was loving me.

i felt helpless.
at work, we had to turn in our phones so i couldn't text you anything.
not that you could care less.

funny thing was,
i had cut myself today at work,
a nice deep cut.
of course i didn't cut myself on purpose,
but the non-stop bleeding couldn't have distracted me less.
the pain actually felt good compared to the pain i was feeling inside.

now i'm sitting here,
rambling on and on about how devastated i am.
yeah i know, pathetic.
but what else can i do?
it's not like i can tell you these things anymore.

talking to you seems like ages ago.
i wish i could tell you how much tears i shed every night,
but whats the point in that?
crying myself to sleep isn't an option anymore.

so i guess i'll end it here,
i think i've rambled enough for tonight,
hope everyone else has a better sleep than me tonight. :)